


I Don't Know That I Can Do This

by Pollarize



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, High School, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-20
Updated: 2015-10-20
Packaged: 2018-04-27 06:08:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5036797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pollarize/pseuds/Pollarize
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>5 times that Tyler didn't believe Josh was there and the one time that he did (and Josh really wasn't).</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Don't Know That I Can Do This

I. The first time Tyler saw him, he smiled. It wasn’t anything more than that, a passing glance in the hall in school. Tyler recognized him as Josh, a boy in the grade above him. He was a boy that girls fawned over and people wished to be.

Tyler had tried to smile back, out of politeness, not because he’d been hoping for that moment. Instead of a smile he tripped over his own feet, falling face first into the person’s back who was in front of him.

Tyler wanted to scream at himself, for behaving so idiotically. He had only really wanted to talk to this kid since he first saw him (and first became infatuated). This had been the first time that Tyler had that opportunity and he’d already managed to mess it up.

_He won’t ever talk to me again, he’s just gonna laugh like the rest of them and walk on._

But then he felt a hand on his shoulder and a concerned pair of eyes staring into his own.

“You okay?” Josh asked, helping Tyler to stand up straight.

Tyler nodded and managed to put on a small smile.

“Yeah, sorry, that was pretty embarrassing,” Tyler said, his cheeks going redder than when he’d tripped. Josh just laughed and walked through the hall with Tyler, occasionally bumping into Tyler and making the other boy’s blush grow.

“You could have done a lot worse,” Josh said before saying his goodbye’s and turning down a different hallway.

Tyler was about to say goodbye in return when his voice stuck in his throat and his anxiety clogged his mind.

_Josh actually thinks I’m a fucking idiot, he hates me now, why am I such a fucking loser?_

Even though Tyler’s mind screamed at him about being an idiot, Josh continued to find him in the halls and walk with him to class or as close as he could get.

****  
  


II. Tyler’s anxiety over every little thing grew to the point where it got out of control.

Some anxiety attacks left him with tear tracks down his face.

This one though, felt a million times worse. He struggled to breathe, his throat feeling like it had caved in and his lungs feeling like they’d shriveled up. It left him wanting death more than anything.

He pulled out his phone and dialed the number of the person who said he was always open to talk.

_“Tyler?”_ He asked, his voice sleepy from being woken up. Tyler never thought to check the time.

“Josh, I’m so sorry, it’s gotta be late and I just,” Tyler stopped himself, squeezing his eyes shut in an attempt to block his thoughts. His whole body was rigid with the effort of trying to stay calm, to stay out of reach of anything that could pose a threat to himself.

There was a rustling on the other line and a quiet yawn.

_“What’s wrong?”_ Josh asked calmly. Tyler felt himself break then, the tears he’d been holding fell then and his chest ached more than before. His chest screamed for more air or for a lack of need for air to continue. Tyler’s own self was starting to scare him.

“Anxiety, I’m having an anxiety attack,” Tyler choked finally.

_“Are you safe?”_ Josh asked and the question stung Tyler more than he would have thought it would.

“Right now I am. Josh, I’m so sorry, I don’t know that I can do this,” Tyler whimpered, the only thought in his head about whether or not he should move, to find something to end this pain with. Josh’s voice was soft, pleading, but kind all the same.

_“Tyler, I believe in you, you can do this okay, just give me a minute?”_ Tyler sat there and nodded, knowing that Josh couldn’t see but his body wouldn’t cooperate and no words would come.

The line clicked dead and Tyler sat there listening to the monotone sound playing in his ear, the sound that told him that Josh had left, that he was alone. He realized then that he was too much of a mess for friends, for Josh, that he was destined to be alone. Not only would he be alone but the ones that he cared about didn’t care in return.

That thought hurt him more than anything else, all his anxiety about friends, about Josh, left him wondering if life was worth it. He decided that it wasn’t, that maybe tonight would be the night.

Tyler’s only problem with that thought was getting his legs to cooperate to let him finish it all.

Before Tyler found the right mindset to be able to move, he felt a pair of arms pulling him into a hug. It was awkward and left him in a position that cramped his muscles but it was comfort and he didn’t want to leave it.

“I let myself in, sorry about that,” Josh said from above but Tyler couldn’t respond. He instead just cried. He cried until his eyes burned and his body was exhausted. Josh sat there through it all, never once leaving or moving his arms. He only adjusted long enough to get Tyler into a better sitting position and to bring him closer.

“Stay for the night?” Tyler whispered when his eyes began to close and he could no longer fight with himself enough to keep them open.

“Anything for you,” Josh said.

****  
  


III. Josh had invited him to hang out, putting more into their friendship lately since he’d discovered how anxious Tyler was about them. He’d informed Tyler that he wanted to do it, wanted to show Tyler that he cared about him and being with him.

Tyler was sure he’d said the bowling alley at six that night.

For a while he wondered if he went to the right bowling alley, if he had just assumed and showed up to the wrong one when Josh didn’t show. Right after that thought he remembered that there wasn’t another bowling alley and he was in the right place, Josh was just late.

_Or not showing up,_ Tyler thought to himself, bringing himself down and leaving him sad and feeling slightly broken.

Thirty minute passed and Tyler was told that he had to buy something or leave, he bought a small bag of candy which sat next to him on the bench, unopened and uneaten.

Forty-five minutes passed and Tyler began to feel sick. He felt like this was a mistake, that ever wanting to talk to Josh was a mistake, that life was a mistake.

An hour passed and the doors opened and Josh tripped inside, almost frantic as his eyes searched for Tyler. He called his name and Tyler reluctantly turned around, trying to smile but it was weak and didn’t reach any part of his face.

“No, no, no,” Josh repeated, walking quickly over to the bench and sitting down next to Tyler, “You gotta smile, it’s the best thing I’ve seen.”

Tyler turned his head to his lap, a shy smile on his face.

“You’re still sad though,” Josh noted and Tyler merely shrugged, not wanting to admit that he was worried about Josh not coming.

“Please, don’t be upset. I would have shown up but my mom loaded all the chores on me before I could leave. You gotta understand, I’ve been looking forward to this date for a while,” Josh pleaded, his voice and eyes all so desperate for Tyler’s forgiveness.

“Date?” Tyler asked nervously.

“Of course, you’re amazing,” Josh said, smiling wider until it crinkled his eyes.

****  
  


IV. They’d never made it officially a thing. Both of them equally decided that they take whatever it was slow and let it form into its own thing.

Tyler regretted that immediately.

He was jealous, worried constantly, too. Josh was still just as known at school and he had just as many people talking to him. Tyler wasn’t one to ask Josh to leave his friends, he could never, but he was one to worry and to wonder if Josh was truthful in where his heart was.

Josh smiled at the pretty girls and talked with them, leaning casually on the lockers as he looked at them with that winning smile that made everyone fall for him.

Tyler walked up to him and a girl, Debby, pulling nervously at his sweatshirt.

“Hey,” Tyler said weakly, trying to swallow down his fears, to hide the jealousy that he wanted desperately to disappear.

“One second,” Josh said with an apologetic smile. He turned back to Debby and she continued to explain something that faintly sounded like school work. Tyler had a hard time hearing over the blood pounding in his ears from embarrassment.

He knew he was twisting the situation but it didn’t seem to matter. The only thing he could think about was how Josh didn’t want him, Josh was lying, negative, negative, negative.

Tyler’s eyes grew warm and he dropped his head to the floor and backed away, leaving Josh to whatever he needed. He ended up in the closest bathroom, standing over the sink, ignoring the red eyed reflection that looked so broken. The door opened a moment later and Tyler felt a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Tyler, please,” Josh said and he sounded tired. Tyler wiped at his eyes and shook his head for a moment.

“I’m good, I’m fine,” he said but Josh wasn’t convinced. He wrapped his hands around Tyler’s waist and pulled him into a hug.

“She was helping me with a science project, I didn’t understand,” Josh explained, placing a soft kiss to Tyler’s cheek.

Tyler felt guilty for pulling him away but he didn’t protest, letting himself melt into Josh’s embrace, letting himself relax and enjoy the moment.

“I’m here for you,” Josh whispered.

****  
  


V. The two sat on a couch together, lazily kissing and enjoying one another's presence.

“Do you really love me?” Tyler asked, looking into Josh’s eyes, watching the confusion spread.

“Are you anxious again?” Josh asked and Tyler simply nodded.

“I’m always anxious.”

“What about?”

  
  
Tyler just shrugged and looked over to the wall, trying to sort through the thoughts in his head.

“Mostly about you leaving me,” Tyler confessed, looking back to Josh when he began to laugh.

“Tyler, I’m never leaving, you’ve got to understand that.”

He nodded and leaned in to kiss Josh.

****  
  


VI. Josh canceled plans the day before, apologizing for having to bail for a family event. Tyler smiled and waved it off.

He was sad, of course, but he finally felt like things were okay. His anxiety was still ever present but he didn’t doubt Josh.

Josh had been there through high and low and Tyler knew deep into his core that Josh was there, for him, for everything.

_From Josh:_

_I can’t do this anymore, I’m sorry, Tyler. Goodbye._

 

**Author's Note:**

> I should have been working on The Ghost of You is Close to Me but instead I spent all day doing this stupid sHIT
> 
> sorry


End file.
